


the echoes follow (follow me like the fears i swallow)

by archetypes



Series: Alec Appreciation Weeks 2017 [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: 2x18, Alec Appreciation Weeks 2017, Alec Lightwood Appreciation Weeks, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Hurt Alec, M/M, Malec fight, Momma comforting her boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-08 18:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12259317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archetypes/pseuds/archetypes
Summary: Alec knows he hurt Magnus by lying about the soul sword but the last thing he can do is lose him.alec appreciation weeks 2017 / week two (sep. 18- sep. 24): Malec





	the echoes follow (follow me like the fears i swallow)

**Author's Note:**

> set after magnus walks away from alec in 2x18.
> 
> this actually got away from me a bit and turned into something i know doesn't /quite/ fit the malec theme but thank you for reading anyways

It was a lie. The way Magnus touched his face, told Alec he loved him too. Every step in the other direction was an earthquake, the ground Alec was standing on was crumbling. His breathing was a jagged struggle, his lungs finding their only function a chore. When their eyes met as Magnus stepped into the elevator... why? Why look at him like that? As if Alec hadn't already felt that twist of a serrated blade in his gut. As if Alec wasn't already trying to remember how to work his mouth, his legs, his brain. It was like pulling an emergency alarm the moment the thick, metal doors slid shut and hid Magnus from his view.

He shot off, long uneven strides towards the elevator even though he knew it was too late. He braced himself up against the door with one outstretched hand while the other slammed down on the down button. He did it repeatedly, the angry smack of the button swarming the empty hallway, his family just inside the closest room and likely still standing at Max's bedside. Max... he had forgotten. For a few minutes his mind had been wiped clean of everything but Magnus. Magnus standing close to him. Saying Alec was holding him back. Walking away from him.

"Come on!" He slapped the button harder, voice cracking open and allowing emotion to spill out of him. His eyes sting, blinking was only making his vision blurry and- fuck. He was crying. Not here, not out in the open. Not with his little brother injured.

"Alec?" He froze his absurd actions as his mothers voice called out to him. "What are you doing? Are you leaving?" Alec could hear her heels click against the tile beneath them as she steadily approached him, a huff of irritation falling from her as he didn't readily respond.

"No," he spat, fist clenching against the cold metal for just a second before spinning around on his heels and he was fully prepared to slide past his mother. One glance at the taken aback look on her face made him side-step her. "I'll be in my room." He announced as he turned away from her, his body going rigid as he heard the elevator doors slide open. Alec couldn't resist, it was like something crawling up his back and trying to tug him in its disgusting direction.

With bated breath he spun back around, his heart dropping down into the pit of his stomach as he saw it empty. His mind though, still saw him standing there and starring at Alec like he was never going to be able to look at him again. Alec gasped, for no real reason but a flood of panic, and set off towards that stupid moving box; this reaction was not lost on his mother.

She gripped his right arm with both of her hands, "Alec, stop." She sounded serious as she used her entitled voice. He could always hear himself in her while she spoke that way, no fooling around. "What is wrong? Is it Jace?"

He froze but only stared down at the floor, his heart lurching as the doors slowly rolled shut again. Why did it feel like Magnus leaving him all over again? How cruel of a punishment did he truly deserve for his mistake? He would give a limb to go back, to tell his love the truth. He let his mother turn him around and the look he gave her was a harsh, judgmental one. Did she truly still refuse to see what was right in front of her? He left the damn room to go after Magnus, did he not?

She sighed at his glare, her dark eyes falling to the floor and her thumbs digging into his arms while rubbing as if trying to grant him some comfort. It would have been awkward had he not been feeling so much despair, this horrible gut-wrenching ache that left him with thousands of scars beneath his skin. He was far too numb to worry about anything else.

"Did you two... separate?" The question, though likely innocent, made him scoff in disgust and he tore his arms away. Her nails inadvertedly scraped down his bare forearms and the pain in his eyes returned, that awful burning. "I don't know if you remember but I have had my own relationship catastrophes recently." She paused, tilting her head and trying to stare in her son's eyes. "What happened?"

When he breathed now, his chest rattling with the strained effort, he saw her worry as clear as day. His mothers hands twitching at her sides like all she wished to do was cradle him against her chest and stroke his hair to send him off to sleep. He didn't know why but he expected to see a false interest in her eyes, perhaps even a glint of joy too. "Why aren't you celebrating?" He accused, very much against his better judgment. It just didn't make sense. Every time his mother had seen or even heard Magnus' name she had this look on her face like she was just wishing Alec had walked down the aisle and kissed _anybody_ else. Now she seemed to carry his gloom... why wasn't she already spreading the good news around the entire Institute?

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood," she began. Despite the chastising words they were spoken softly. That rough, snide exterior falling away like a crumbling empire and now only they remained. Mother and son. "Look at you..." She raised a hand, one manicured thumb sliding across his cheek and wiping away a stray tear. "How could I ever feel good about seeing you like this?" That gentle expression quickly hardened. "Did he hurt you?" The chill of her voice hit his hollow chest and made him shiver.

"I messed up." He shrugged, bottom lip quivering just enough to make him look pathetic. Being around his mother in this state made him feel like a toddler.

"Do you not deserve a second chance? Are you not allowed an attempt to make it right?" She sounded like she was crucifying Magnus' ultimate decision to walk away from him. She would never understand, she would never know the reasons but knowing she would try for Alec anyway, it was a relief. A weight being carried away from him for an unknown reason.

"I'm not just giving up." He decided, and maybe he's known that this entire time but to say so out loud felt empowering. Maybe falsely so but Alec never did just let Magnus walk away.

"No, you're not." She agreed with a nod, a sudden flash of hurt going across her face and making her eyebrows pucker in reaction. "Alec... I'm sorry." She found his arms again, holding his elbows in her hands. "I was miserable after finding out about your fathers affair. I shouldn't have let you try to go through with your wedding. I knew Lydia Branwell would never be someone you could love."

"...How?" He asked, voice low and it was from stun. From hearing her sound so guilty after what happened months ago.

"You're my son." She chuckled wetly, her tone so matter-of-fact. "Why do you think I told you I was skeptical? Not beacuse I didn't think you were capable Alec, but beacuse I didn't know why you had no argument at all the entire time. Let alone why it was your idea." She shook her head, raven hair sliding across her back. "You... like men. I knew that."

He swallowed uncomfortably, not used to hearing anyone speak about him like that out loud before. His... _preferences_ were not something he considered to be an acceptable conversation with anyone. Right now though he was a well drained dry. No space in him carried any care beacuse Magnus took everything with him. "Yes well... so did Magnus. That's why he showed up to the wedding." The image in his head now was Magnus standing at the end of that aisle, looking final and hopeful at the same time.

"Of course, I knew why he was there." He was surprised to hear that but he also wasn't. He had been staring directly at Alec. Maybe it had been obvious to everyone there that evening that witnessed the display. "So why did he leave you now?" The question disturbed him, struck a cord inside of him and caused him to get hit with a pang of hurt.

"I told you, I messed up."

"Worse than almost getting married?"

"Yes." He lied about the sword and that was a risk to Magnus' life. Alec had been stupid thinking that he was saving him from having to choose between him and the downworld because all he did was help him decide. Forced his hand.

His mother sighed, not knowing what else to say right then. She must have been able to imagine how fucked he was. "Go rest." She tugged him forwards, a little further down the hallway and in the vague direction of his bedroom. One he hadn't slept in for weeks. "I'll wake you up if anything happens with Max or Jonathan Morgenstern."

Despite her gentle reassurance he shook his head, "No. I'm saying with you guys." He stopped walking once they were back at the door leading to Max's medical room. Just the thought of climbing into bed, completely alone with his thoughts of Magnus and everything he wished to do over, it was frightening. Hours upon hours of crying rather than sleeping was not something he wished to do tonight.

"You need-"

"Seriously." He gripped the door knob, the look in his eyes could only be described as desperate. Ruined. "I don't feel like being alone right now, mom." He already felt like it, no need to make it literal.

She nodded once while she put a hand on his back and began rubbing in just a few small circles before allowing him to open the door so both of them could stuff themselves back inside. Alec thinking himself weak for what he did and thinking his mother strong for being able to be around the man that broke her heart.


End file.
